Matindi Lolo Ko, etc

Matindi Lolo ko
Jimmy: Pare ang tindi ng lolo ko, ang lakas ng appeal, biruin mo kahit matanda na lolo ko pag kumausap ng babae yun, nakukuha pa nya yung number ng babaeng kinausap nya!

Joey: Pare sayo kinakausap pa? mas matindi appeal ng lolo ko, kasi yung lolo ko kikindatan at ngingitian lang nakukuha na agad yung number ng babae!

Aleng Maliit: Ang hihina ng mga lolo nyo! yung lolo ko sya na nilalapitan ng mga babae, binibigay pa sa kanya yung mga number!

Jimmy: Siguro napaka lakas ng appeal ng lolo mo! Gwaping siguro ano?

Aleng Maliit: Hindi naman…

Joey: Eh bakit nilalapitan sya at binibigyan sya ng number ng mga babae?

Aleng Maliit: Eh nagloload lolo ko eh!

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7/11
4 na Mister ang nakaupo sa waiting area ng isang Hospital habang nanganganak ang kanilang mga Asawa.. Ng lumabas ang Nurse at sinabi sa Unang Mister..

Nurse: Congratulations! Kambal po anak nyo!

Unang Mister: Coincidence lang siguro.. nagtatrabaho ako sa Petronas Twin Towers.

at Lumabas ulit ang isang Nurse at sinabi sa pangalawang mister..

Nurse: Congratulations! Triplets po anak nyo!

Pangalawang Mister: Coincidence lang din siguro 'to.. nagtatrabaho ako sa 3M Corporation.

Maya-maya ay Lumabas ulet ang isang Nurse at Sabe sa Pangatlong Mister..

Nurse: Congatulations! Quadruplets po anak nyo!

Pangatlong Mister: Ay salamat sa Diyos! Baka coincidence lang din 'to.. nagtatrabaho ako sa Four Seasons Hotel eh..

Habang ang Pang-apat na asawa ay alalang-alala dahil sa mga narinig nya sa tatlong Mister na kasama nya.. at napansin naman ito ng tatlong mister..

Tatlong Mister: Pare.. mukhang namumutla ka na at di ka mapakali dyan sa upuan mo ah.. baket ba Pare..?

Pang-apat na Mister: Kasi mga pare.. nagtatatrabaho ako sa 7/11..

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Math Class
GURO: juan, kung ako ay may 5 anak sa unang asawa at 7 naman sa pangalawa at 3 sa pangatlo, meron akong?
JUAN: Kalandian po! Isa kang kerengkeng ma'am, malandi ka, haliparot, pokpok, imoral!
GURO: umupo ka, tang ina mo! Di ka makakapasa gago!

---

Preso
Dinalaw ng anak yung tatay niya sa kulungan..

TATAY: Anak, bakit ikaw lang mag-isa ang dumadalaw sakin dito? Bakit hindi mo kasama ang nanay?

ANAK: Tay, nagsha-shopping po si inay…

TATAY: Aba ang dami yatang pera ng nanay mo, san naman siya kumuha ng pera?

ANAK: Yung pabuya po sa inyo.

---

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Is he dead?
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

---

Blind Horse
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull."
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull."
Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull."
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

---

Badluck
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now, he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

"You know what"?

"What dear?” she asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

---

Women's wit
A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

---

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside 
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. 

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

Just for Laugh

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.

Wife to husband: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”
Husband to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to husband: “What? At 2 am?”
Husband to wife: “Yes, We used night clubs.”

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I ‘d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE”

Father to son after exam: “let me see your report card.”
Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What ’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner.”

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”..
“My father grows beans,” said one student.
“My father cooks beans,” said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

A husband was asked: “Do you talk to your wife after sex?”
He replied: “Depends, if I can find a phone.”

Man to wife on wedding night: “Are you sure I’m the first man you are sleeping with?”
Wife replied: “Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!”

“Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?”
Answer: “Because people started licking the wrong side.”

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from h ead to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humour.”

Doctor to his lady patient: “You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?”
Lady replied: “Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.”

Between the sexes - The Real Difference Between Men and Women ...

Elsa: I noticed in this article that men become bald because of the intense activity of their brains.
Joseph: That's true, and I also notice that women do not grow beards because of the intense activity of their chins!

***

A husband and wife entered the dentist's room. The man said, "I want a tooth pulled. We are in a hurry - so no anesthesia. Just pull the tooth out."
"You are a brave man,” said the dentist. "Now open your mouth and show me the tooth."
The man turn to his wife and said "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

***

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

***

“I thought you were going to marry Luisa? You said it was love at first sight.”
“Yes it was – but on the second and third sights, I change my mind.

***

A lady involved with the women’s lib group boarded a crowded bus and one man rose to his feet. “Oh No, you must not give up your seat. I insist,” she said.
The man replied; “You may insist as much as you like, Miss,” “But there is my place so I have to get off.”

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