Jimmy: Pare ang tindi ng lolo ko, ang lakas ng appeal, biruin mo kahit matanda na lolo ko pag kumausap ng babae yun, nakukuha pa nya yung number ng babaeng kinausap nya!
Joey: Pare sayo kinakausap pa? mas matindi appeal ng lolo ko, kasi yung lolo ko kikindatan at ngingitian lang nakukuha na agad yung number ng babae!
Aleng Maliit: Ang hihina ng mga lolo nyo! yung lolo ko sya na nilalapitan ng mga babae, binibigay pa sa kanya yung mga number!
Jimmy: Siguro napaka lakas ng appeal ng lolo mo! Gwaping siguro ano?
Aleng Maliit: Hindi naman…
Joey: Eh bakit nilalapitan sya at binibigyan sya ng number ng mga babae?
Aleng Maliit: Eh nagloload lolo ko eh!
7/11
4 na Mister ang nakaupo sa waiting area ng isang Hospital habang nanganganak ang kanilang mga Asawa.. Ng lumabas ang Nurse at sinabi sa Unang Mister..
Nurse: Congratulations! Kambal po anak nyo!
Unang Mister: Coincidence lang siguro.. nagtatrabaho ako sa Petronas Twin Towers.
at Lumabas ulit ang isang Nurse at sinabi sa pangalawang mister..
Nurse: Congratulations! Triplets po anak nyo!
Pangalawang Mister: Coincidence lang din siguro 'to.. nagtatrabaho ako sa 3M Corporation.
Maya-maya ay Lumabas ulet ang isang Nurse at Sabe sa Pangatlong Mister..
Nurse: Congatulations! Quadruplets po anak nyo!
Pangatlong Mister: Ay salamat sa Diyos! Baka coincidence lang din 'to.. nagtatrabaho ako sa Four Seasons Hotel eh..
Habang ang Pang-apat na asawa ay alalang-alala dahil sa mga narinig nya sa tatlong Mister na kasama nya.. at napansin naman ito ng tatlong mister..
Tatlong Mister: Pare.. mukhang namumutla ka na at di ka mapakali dyan sa upuan mo ah.. baket ba Pare..?
Pang-apat na Mister: Kasi mga pare.. nagtatatrabaho ako sa 7/11..
Math Class
GURO: juan, kung ako ay may 5 anak sa unang asawa at 7 naman sa pangalawa at 3 sa pangatlo, meron akong?
JUAN: Kalandian po! Isa kang kerengkeng ma'am, malandi ka, haliparot, pokpok, imoral!
GURO: umupo ka, tang ina mo! Di ka makakapasa gago!
Preso
Dinalaw ng anak yung tatay niya sa kulungan..
TATAY: Anak, bakit ikaw lang mag-isa ang dumadalaw sakin dito? Bakit hindi mo kasama ang nanay?
ANAK: Tay, nagsha-shopping po si inay…
TATAY: Aba ang dami yatang pera ng nanay mo, san naman siya kumuha ng pera?
ANAK: Yung pabuya po sa inyo.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Blind Horse
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull."
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull."
Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull."
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Badluck
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now, he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
"You know what"?
"What dear?” she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Women's wit
A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
