Accountant, etc.

Accountant
A company is interviewing applicants for an accountancy position, and the three finalists have been chosen.

The first one is called in, and asked, "What is two plus two?"

She answers, "Four," and is asked to leave.

The second finalist is called in, and asked the same question, "What is two plus two?"

He also answers, "Four," and is also asked to leave.

The third and final applicant is called in, and yet again asked, "What is two plus two?"

He answers, "What do you want it to be?"

---

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Not my dog
One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog.

He goes over to the man and asks: 'does your dog bite?' the old man replies 'No never'.

When the man bends down to stroke the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says 'I thought you said your dog did not bite!

'I did' replies the old man, but this isn't my dog!'

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Magic spell
I was sitting in the foyer of a bank when a young man walked by and then stopped for a moment on his way out. I noticed that one of the latches on his overstuffed briefcase was
unfastened, putting strain on the remaining latch.

"You're going to lose the contents of your briefcase," I warned him.

Just then, the case burst open. He stared at me with something akin to fear in his eyes as he gasped, "How on earth did you do that"?

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Loose change
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

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Pregnant
"Give me a sentence about one of the public servants we learned about today," said the teacher.

One small boy wrote, "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," he said confidently. "It means carrying a child."

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Pinoy Salesman, etc

Pinoy Salesman
The Boss asks: 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The Pinoy says: 'Sir, I was a salesman back home in Manila.'

Well, the boss liked the Pinoy chappie so he gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers did you have?'

Pinoy boy says: 'Sir, Just ONE sir.'

The boss says: 'Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 customers a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one customer. By the way, how much was the sale for?'

Pinoy boy says: ' $101 237. 64'

Boss says: '$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?'

Pinoy boy says:'Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.

I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper Camper Tents.

Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss said: 'You're not serious? A guy came in hereto buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?'

Pinoy boy says: 'No Sir, actually he came in to buy Tylenol for his headache and I said:

'Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind!'

---

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We need to work

A man stopped at a gas station and, after filling his tank, paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the workers, "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the government," one of them said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow, "Normally there's three of us: me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back. 

Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

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Red and Blue

Two cab drivers were waiting for fares in front of a downtown hotel.

"Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

...

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Matindi Lolo Ko, etc

Matindi Lolo ko
Jimmy: Pare ang tindi ng lolo ko, ang lakas ng appeal, biruin mo kahit matanda na lolo ko pag kumausap ng babae yun, nakukuha pa nya yung number ng babaeng kinausap nya!

Joey: Pare sayo kinakausap pa? mas matindi appeal ng lolo ko, kasi yung lolo ko kikindatan at ngingitian lang nakukuha na agad yung number ng babae!

Aleng Maliit: Ang hihina ng mga lolo nyo! yung lolo ko sya na nilalapitan ng mga babae, binibigay pa sa kanya yung mga number!

Jimmy: Siguro napaka lakas ng appeal ng lolo mo! Gwaping siguro ano?

Aleng Maliit: Hindi naman…

Joey: Eh bakit nilalapitan sya at binibigyan sya ng number ng mga babae?

Aleng Maliit: Eh nagloload lolo ko eh!

---

7/11
4 na Mister ang nakaupo sa waiting area ng isang Hospital habang nanganganak ang kanilang mga Asawa.. Ng lumabas ang Nurse at sinabi sa Unang Mister..

Nurse: Congratulations! Kambal po anak nyo!

Unang Mister: Coincidence lang siguro.. nagtatrabaho ako sa Petronas Twin Towers.

at Lumabas ulit ang isang Nurse at sinabi sa pangalawang mister..

Nurse: Congratulations! Triplets po anak nyo!

Pangalawang Mister: Coincidence lang din siguro 'to.. nagtatrabaho ako sa 3M Corporation.

Maya-maya ay Lumabas ulet ang isang Nurse at Sabe sa Pangatlong Mister..

Nurse: Congatulations! Quadruplets po anak nyo!

Pangatlong Mister: Ay salamat sa Diyos! Baka coincidence lang din 'to.. nagtatrabaho ako sa Four Seasons Hotel eh..

Habang ang Pang-apat na asawa ay alalang-alala dahil sa mga narinig nya sa tatlong Mister na kasama nya.. at napansin naman ito ng tatlong mister..

Tatlong Mister: Pare.. mukhang namumutla ka na at di ka mapakali dyan sa upuan mo ah.. baket ba Pare..?

Pang-apat na Mister: Kasi mga pare.. nagtatatrabaho ako sa 7/11..

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Math Class
GURO: juan, kung ako ay may 5 anak sa unang asawa at 7 naman sa pangalawa at 3 sa pangatlo, meron akong?
JUAN: Kalandian po! Isa kang kerengkeng ma'am, malandi ka, haliparot, pokpok, imoral!
GURO: umupo ka, tang ina mo! Di ka makakapasa gago!

---

Preso
Dinalaw ng anak yung tatay niya sa kulungan..

TATAY: Anak, bakit ikaw lang mag-isa ang dumadalaw sakin dito? Bakit hindi mo kasama ang nanay?

ANAK: Tay, nagsha-shopping po si inay…

TATAY: Aba ang dami yatang pera ng nanay mo, san naman siya kumuha ng pera?

ANAK: Yung pabuya po sa inyo.

---

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Is he dead?
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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Blind Horse
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull."
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull."
Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull."
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

---

Badluck
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now, he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

"You know what"?

"What dear?” she asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

---

Women's wit
A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

---

Snoring is not a Problem, etc

Snoring is not a Problem
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"?

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night, it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

"Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"?

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."

---

5 Rules Men Must Follow For A Happy Life With A Woman

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

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Retirement Bonus

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my ***** to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's ***** and began to work back.

"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring!!"

---

Halo Halo Joke

tindera: HOII! kahit nagtitinda lang ako ng juice dito may mga anak ako na nasa UP, UV, UC, USC, USJR at UST.
student: WOW! Galing naman, anong course nila?
tindera: wala! nagtitinda rin ng juicce.

*******************************************

Isang pasaherong matandang babae ang tumapik sa likod ng driver at saka inaabot ang limang pirasong almond, na kinuha ng driver at malugod niyang kinain.

Makalipas ang 15 minuto, muli ay tinapik ang driver ng matandang babae at iniabot ang 10 piraso ng almond.

Muli, tinanggap ang mga iyon ng driver at malugod niyang kinain.

Hindi nakatiis ang driver na magtanong sa matandang babae, "Bakit ninyo ibinibigay sa akin ang mga almond? Bakit hindi ninyo kainin?"

"Wala kasi akong ngipin," sagot ng matandang babae.

"Eh bakit pa kayo bumili niyan?" nagtatakang tanong muli ng driver.

Sumagot ang matandang babae, "Iyong chocolate lang naman ang gusto ko. Madali naman ‘yung sipsipin."

*******************************************
Eddie: Anong pulutan nyo sa b-day mo kahapon pre?
Ramon: Pata!
Eddie: Wow! Anong klaseng pata?
Ramon: PATAgalan ng kwento, pre!!!

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Indians, etc

Indians
One day a Florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.

An Indian goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; 'I'm Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, Guess what he finds there - A dozen Indians waiting for a free haircut......

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Gusot-Gusot
si lolo hugo at lola maria ay matagal nang hindi nag co contact sexually. Kaya't miss na miss na ni lola maria and intimate relationship nila, hangang isang gabi, para mapansin sya ni lolo hugo ay naghubad si lola maria sa kanilang kwato (aakitin nya si lolo). Pagpasok ni lolo at napatingin kay lola......sabi ni lolo hugo: ANO KA BA NAMAN MARIA BAKIT GUSOT-GUSOT ANG DAMIT MO???/

Nakakasalat
Sakristan: Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari?
Pari: Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong.
Sakristan: Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro?
Pari: Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho!

bra sizes
why do they measure the cupsizes A B C D E F?....
A- almost gone
B- barely noticeable
C- comfortable
D- damn good
E- extremely big and.......
F-fake

Si Sir Talaga
Sabi ng seksi at kaakit-akit na empleyada sa kanyang boss, "Sir, will you remove something from my boobs?"
Naglaway lalo ang boss, "Wow! Alin ‘yon?!"
Sagot ni seksi, "Ang mga mata mo, sir!"  

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Assorted Na Mga Jokes

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A Colegiala was interviewed...
Question: whats the difference between a penis and a Kamote?
Colegiala: yak naman!!! as in hellooo?? I dont eat kamote noh.. how can i compare?!

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GRO: Miss pabili ng condom, dalawang dosena
Tindera: wow!! Dami naman… Fully booked ba ngayon??
GRO: hindi naman.. may 3-day sale lang…

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Teacher: Give me colors that begin with letter “M”
Pupil: Maroon!!!
Teacher: Anybody else??
Ngongo: Mlue, Mrawn, mlak, maiolet…
Teacher: Mery ngood!!!

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Pedro: Galing ako sa doctor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid grabe ang linaw na ng pandinig ko
Juan: talga?! Magkano ang bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang…

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Apo: Lola pano kung isang araw ay umulan ng titi.. ano ang gagawin nyo??
Lola: Naku apo… kulimlim pa lang ay hubo na ako…

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In an anatomy exam, the teacher asks the class to draw a female reproductive organ… one girl feels shy and looks down….
Then a boy shouts…. “sir oh… may kodigo!!!”

---------------------------------
Konduktor: Lola pasensya na po kasi puno na.. payag ba kayo patayo??
Lola: Tinamaan ka ng lintek!!! Kung inabot mo lang ang kabataan ko.. kahit PATUWAD pwede!!!

---------------------------------
PGMA: I am planning to STOP POVERTY and MASS STARVATION!!!
Erap: alam mo Gloria yung POVERTY madaling pigilin, pero ang MASTURBATION human rights violation yan!!!

---------------------------------
Husband: Malamig na sinangag, matabang na kape, maalat na sabaw, paano ka ba naman gaganahan nito??
Wife: maasim na itlog, malambot na titi, malaking tiyn, kala mo ba ginaganahan ako??!!! Tse!!!!

---------------------------------        
Wife puts Viagra on Husband coffee to add sex drive… after drinking, husband grab and fucked her on the table.. Wife shouts and cried…
“Tang-ina naman”… Wag naman dito sa Jolibee!!!”

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Oi, watch ka CNN News!!! Manny Pacquio disqualified by Nevada Athletic Comission!!! Drugs found in his urine!!!
Puro ALAXAN, CIRCULAN & ROBITUSSIN!!! May DATU PUTI pa!!!

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Girl: taguan tayo.. Pag nakita mo ko papayag akong makipag sex sa yo…
Boy: eh paano kung hindi kita mahanap??
Girl: ehh.. basta nasa likod lang ako ng pinto!!!

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Patient: Dok, malungkot ako dito sa mental… kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang aking sarili…
Doctor: ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo??
Patient: aba.. ewan!!! Next week ko pa matatanggap eh!!!

---------------------------------
GF: Hon, pag hawak ko ang bote ng softdrinks na ito.. naaalala ko ang ex-BF ko…
BF: eh ako, kelan mo ako naaalala??
GF: kapag subo ko na ang STRAW!!!

--------------------------------
Dalagita: Mom, totoo ba na kung saan pinasok ang ari ng lalaki dun din lumalabas ang baby??
Mom: oo anak..totoo un!!!
Dalagita: Di kaya masira ang tonsil ko paglabas ng baby ko??

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Mr: pag namatay ka.. isusulat ko sa nitso mo.. “ Malamig noong buhay… mas malamig noong namatay!!”
Mrs: Ah ganon ba??? Sa nitso mo naman ilalagay ko.. “ Sa wakas tumigas din!!!”

Eternal Youth, etc

Eternal Youth
The police recently busted a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. The arresting officer and the desk sergeant went through their records.
"Look! This is the fifth time this guy has been arrested for this same criminal medical fraud."
"When were his priors?"
"He was arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983."

---

Do You Have The Time
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."

---

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Ambiance
A new supermarket opened near my house and it has an automatic water mister that keeps the produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh hay.
In the meat department, there's an aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
For the record, I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

---

Where Are We
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

Crossing The River, etc

Crossing The River
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

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Getting Even
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store"?

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie"?

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

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The Unknown Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
-->

The Three-Legged Chicken, etc

The Three-Legged Chicken
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three-legged chicken. Amazed, he turned off the road and drove down a long driveway to the nearest farmhouse. There he saw a man in the yard and dozens of three-legged chickens. He called out to the farmer “How did you get all these three-legged chickens?” The farmer replied, “I breed ‘em. Ya see it’s me, my wife and my son living here and we all like the drumstick. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece.” “That’s amazing!” said the driver “How do they taste?” “Don’t know, I wasn't able to catch one.”

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When You've Had a Bad Day
It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay. Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry. Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.

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Saying the Blessing
At the dinner table with a large number of guests, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I don't know what to say." "Just say what you hear Mommy say." The little girl bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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Last Meal
Three prisoners are captured in the war. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The first asks for and receives Pepperoni Pizza. The second requests and receives a Filet Mignon. The third requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply, “strawberries?” “Yes, Strawberries.” “But, they are out of season!” “That’s OK. I’ll wait….”

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Artwork
For an art project the first grader handed in a blank sheet of paper. The teacher said, "What is this?" "It's a drawing of a cow eating grass." "Where's the grass?" "The cow ate all of it" "Then, where's the cow?" "The cow left because there was no more grass."

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We'll Miss You
I said to my wife, "Wouldn't it be great to move to Alaska or someplace and live in a log cabin without electricity, hunt moose and drive a dog team instead of a car? If we decided to do that permanently, away from civilization, what would you and the kids miss the most?" She replied, "You."

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Longhair
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him , “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.” After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!” The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair….” To which his father replied… “Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!”

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Spormanship
The Little League tournament was extremely challenging and the competition was intense. The coach felt the need to remind one of his players about the importance of team play and good sportsmanship. He asked the player, "Do you know what good sportsmanship is?" "Yes." "You know that you shouldn't curse at the umpire or throw things in anger?" "Yes." "Good. Now could you please go tell your parents?"

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Smart Pills
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out. He was on the bus where he normally got his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle with small brown balls in it. After discreetly getting some milk duds from his pocket, he then put the candy in his mouth and began making 'mmm... yum!' type sounds loud enough for the other kids to hear. The bus bully then snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked 'What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?' 'Well, they're smart pills,' Ken replied. 'Smart pills?' the bully sneered. He opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. 'Pweeuuweppblahhh!' he reacted. 'What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!!' Ken smiled. 'See, you're getting smarter already!'

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TV
The first grade was learning the letters of the alphabet. 'What comes after T?' the teacher asked. Nettie quickly answered, 'V'.

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Sacrifice
Ten men and a woman were hanging onto a rope dangling from a helicopter. Suddenly the rope began to fray! They realized that unless one person sacrificed themselves and dropped off, they all would die. The silence was deafening. Finally the woman gave a touching speech. "I will give up my life to save the rest of you, because women are used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

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Chainsaw
A guy walks into a hardware store and says, "I want a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in an hour." "Well, if you need to cut that much wood that fast, you need this top-of-the-line model." "Okay, I'll take it." The next day he brings it back. "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took all day!" The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what's wrong. At that the customer asks, "What's that noise?"

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College Life, etc

College Life
One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year. "Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections"? another friend suggested. "I already thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."

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Septic Tank
A young preacher who was new to the community was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the graveside ceremony, because the deceased had lived so long he had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, “Do you think we should tell him that’s a septic tank?”

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Pass It On 
My husband and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When my husband began a story, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly, he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?" We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message. "What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me." "But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!" Suddenly, we realized what had happened. Sheepishly, we returned to our table. His boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one, I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along."

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Emerging Intelligence 
Out in space, two alien forms are speaking with each other. The first alien says, "The dominant life formed on the earth planet have developed satellite based weapons." The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so. They have them aimed at themselves."

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Coming Late at Work

Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there"? "They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

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Calling all cars, Calling all cars

Near the end of their racing careers, a Ford and a Chevrolet made a pact. The first one to reach racing heaven would let the other know if heaven even had car racing.
As luck would have it, the Chevrolet was demolished in a fiery wreck. A few days later, it revealed itself to the Ford in a vision. "I have some good news and some bad news," the Chevy told the Ford. "The good news is that heaven is crazy about auto racing. They have everything here--NASCAR, Indy cars, Formula 1, you name it."
"So what's the bad news?" the Ford asked the deceased Chevrolet.
"The bad news is that you've won the pole position for next Saturday's race."

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A banker is proudly driving his brand-new Jaguar sedan around New York City. On reaching his destination, he parks the car at the curb and gets out on the traffic side. Just as he opens the door, a taxicab slams into it, ripping the door right off its hinges. The cabby drives off as if nothing extraordinary has occurred.
A policeman who witnesses the whole thing walks up to the banker, who is now wailing loudly, "Ohhh myyy gaaawdd! Look what that idiot did to my new Jaaaaggguuuaar!
The cop looks at the banker, shakes his head, and says, "You bankers are so damn materialistic! Here you are whining about your expensive car, and you don't even realize the cab tore off your arm!"
The banker looks down at where his arm used to be and begins to wail loudly, "Ohhhh myyy gaawd, my Rolllllleeeexxx is gone!"

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A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.
The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.
"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"
"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.
"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"
"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"
"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

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Friends

photo source: http://en.wikipedia.org

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. What food might this contain? ‘The mouse wondered - - - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house! 'The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, 'Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.

‘The mouse turned to the pig and told him, 'There is a mousetrap in the house! ‘The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers. '

The mouse turned to the cow and said ' There is a mousetrap in the house! ‘The cow said, 'Wow, Mr. Mouse. I ' m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose. ‘So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap . . . alone. 

The Meaning of Life ...

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years..”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed……
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to
live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again……

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.” So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you..